I Am Number Four: movie starring quinn from glee, that kid from that movie we watched that was, i think, england's answer to agent cody banks, and a bunch of special effects
oh man. well, yeah, it was bad, but, on the bright side, at least it wasn't oscar-nominated bad. and it was also kind of charming. i was expecting nonstop action; i did not get that. i got a paean to somewhere that read as forks, ohio. i got a lot of that blond kid with no shirt on. i got one or two voice-overs a la legion. and i got a darlingly improbable soundtrack (this is not intended to be sarcastic; i really liked the soundtrack. it was like the '40's circa the '80's--roy webb for a new millenium). i got an arty girl who of course lived in an attic.
and again, i got some really good acting. where have all the crappy actors gone? i remember in my youth, we had a lot of pretty faces playing a lot of interesting roles fairly badly. nowadays it seems like the faces are just as pretty, the performances are 100% more fantastic, and the roles are freaking stupid. maybe i've changed. it's certainly possible. i just find it bizarre that despite being extremely good-looking for-the-most-part-blond people, all of these kids were very, very excellent actors. they made their ridiculous dialogue sound almost reasonable.
main dude did sound like he had a russian accent, which was confusing as i thought he was masking an english one, but he was very good. i mean, the accent issue was pretty easy to ignore, because aside from the assorted voice-overs, he had about four lines period, but even without dialogue he managed to set him up the characterization. quinn from glee was also really good, even going so far as to develop a blonde ex-cheerleader character totally distinct from her glee blonde sometime ex-cheerleader character, which i think shows not just impressive talent, but impressive commitment to her art. her bullying ex-boyfriend was really good with his edgily-sneering-yet-more-than-quasi-gay lines. the emotionally abused weakling character was really good with his liquid billy elliot-style eyes and straightforward-as-a-choice delivery.
the plot made no sense. the dialogue made no sense. there was no point in attempting to make any sense of any of it. i was annoyed by main dude's failure to open the box that his legacy had left to him--i felt that we had been promised a box-opening scene that was denied to us.
but the movie was pretty entertaining, and the characters were likeable. kind of airborne meets predators.
and since michael bay was somehow involved, i'm sure we will see a sequel. because knowing what is actually inside that box is really going to haunt me. i'm guessing some variety of nut brittle--peanut, brazil nut, walnut, space nut? or maybe the little prince's lamb?
i did think of a way to address the nonsensicalness of the plot that i am fairly proud of: to every question your friend begins with "but why the hell did *insert something to do with i am number four here*?" you simply answer, "because of the *insert whatever qualifier and noun you choose here*." you are bound to be within an acceptable margin of correctness, because it's pretty probable that the point being questioned will make as much sense as your answer does.
example question: "but why didn't the protector and main dude have any chemistry when main dude was able to have chemistry with the very chairs around him?"
answer: "because of the janitorial catacomb."
question: "but why did the dialogue read like mad libs?"
answer: "because of the sad engine coolant."
etcetera.
one of my friend's triumphs was in pointing out that main dude WAS buffy. which is why (spoiler alert) they blow up the high school!
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