the ugly truth, or...uh...wow.

The Ugly Truth: movie starring katherine heigl and gerard butler

living in the 21st century in america during the vacation between semesters, pretty much jobless, entails certain responsibilities. for instance, i have netflix. i have a computer. if netflix has both the entire avatar: the last airbender series AND the full eight seasons of red dwarf available instantly, i have a duty to watch them, because i have the time, the inclination, and am circumstanced to be able to do so. this may not be the greatest of all my possible obligations, but it's somewhere on the list.

anyway, in between watching seasons and seasons of awesome sci-fi/fantasy shows, i have taken to giving myself mental breaks of the romantic comedy variety. this is where the ugly truth comes in: i have freely given of myself in the pursuit of excellent t.v. for my country, and in return my country has made the ugly truth for me.

thank you, america.

okay, is what happened to katherine heigl that everyone thought she was hot hot hot and then suddenly they all found out she smoked and now she has less of a career? cuz that's just weird. she's still gorgeous, but there's no way that the ugly truth didn't take a bite out of her pride. and gerard butler...welllll, ANYTHING, including porn, is a step up from ANY joel schumacher film (not to say that butler's phantom wasn't entirely the best thing about phantom of the opera...aside from raoul's haircut). i didn't much care for 300, plus i liked his performance in the ugly truth, so...he can be commended for what he did in the ugly truth. in my opinion. which counts for so much.

it wasn't that heigl didn't have moments where her acting was pretty fabulous. but butler pretty much forged a character out of nothing, and for that i sing, "go go gerard butler!" to the tune of that power rangers themesong.

in fact, i kind of think that the main thing wrong with the ugly truth is a massive failure of the rom-com plot algorithm that brought us such films as love actually. the characters are kind of cute--nothing we haven't seen before, but cute. it was a moderately interesting premise--guy who doesn't fit the "list" points out the list and tightly wound girl sacrifices her standards for true love (that part was less interesting--poor katherine heigl). sort of he's just not that into you meets hope floats...

meets in the mouth of madness. obvious, inexplicable plot holes, such as the one about why heigl's character is still in sacramento, being answered by a few oblique references to some sort of familial tie to the t.v. station (or did i miss something?)--i mean, what was that whole part of the plot doing there? did they just forget to tie up that loose end? it's not like they had to put in the full explanation for why heigl-character hasn't gone to the big city to broadcast--we all know, because we've seen it a thousand times, that she's in sacramento because her dad or someone inspired her to get into t.v. production and used to be the producer of the show that she now runs...but it's just creepy that that information isn't actually in the script. same type of thing with the question craig ferguson asks of gerard butler in regards to who the woman was that made him so bitter: butler takes away from the camera in an obvious moment of remembered heartache over one girl--ex-fiancee who cheated with his best friend, ex-wife who cheated with his best friend, someone who cheated with his best friend, THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION that can come out of that look--and then later tells heigl's character that it wasn't one girl who cheated with his best friend but rather a series of women looking for a list of attributes. now, the series of women explanation is much more interesting than the cheated-with-his-best-friend girl explanation, but it isn't possible as a sequel to the look that he's taken away from the camera earlier.

there are three solutions to this problem: 1. the script wasn't finished before the scene was filmed. 2. the script was finished, but unfortunately the director was too busy doing very very hard drugs to finish reading it before the scene was filmed. 3. we are entering a post-apocalyptic world in which even the fictions that prop up our existence are losing their integrity. the equations that write our entertainment for us are failing us miserably.

in which case i say, "FOR GOD'S SAKE, FIX THE ALGORITHM!!! FIX IT NOW!!! WHO KNOWS WHERE THIS PATH MAY LEAD IF WE DON'T GET OFF IT QUICK??! NEXT YOU'LL BE TELLING ME THAT GERMANY CAN'T AFFORD ROOMS FULL OF MONKEYS WITH TYPEWRITERS IN ORDER TO PEN BACKSTREET BOYS SONGS!!!" i mean, besides which, if the logarithms that shore up this reality are losing their force, how am i going to be able to finish red dwarf? c'mon, america. don't fail me now.

some notes on the first half of robin hood: prince of thieves

i'm not sure why i started watching this, but i blame netflix instant viewer. i only got about halfway through before giving up completely, but within the first five seconds i realized that if i didn't have anyone to share my wisecracks with i'd probably go nuts (er). taking that into account, i jotted down a few notes, mystery science theater 3000-style (not that i could hope to successfully emulate such a style, but i do frequently emulate it unsuccessfully). i know that said notes are close to 20 years too late, but here they be anyway, starting from the beginning and working through to, as aforesaid, about the middle:

-bayreux tapestry vision--for all your beyreux tapestry vision needs.
-try universal '90's soundtrack! universal '90's soundtrack: wonderfully at home in robin hood: prince of thieves, it can also double as accompaniment to home alone II. or my father the hero. and possibly face/off.
-yes, real arabs were found to be unnecessary for the making of this film. same goes for characterization and historicity.
-meanwhile, in the camel-choked streets of what is most definitely agrabah or something, a giant lemon is eaten.
-locksley senior played by henry the eighth.
-nothing screams late 1100's (? i'm not good with dates) like a new mohawk and getting to second base with sand.
-kevin costner: englishman, pacifist, action hero.
-robin hood proves his princeliness in regards to thievery by the brilliant and entirely historically anachronistic technicolor dreamcoat heist. and how does he prove himself to have enacted such a theft? he wears the spoils. at all times.
-alan rickman tells an eagle to shut up.
-costner. cutter.
-maid marian, for whom the costumer went to new mediums, has plenty of hair and shows her spirit by chin thrusts and whining.
-little john: "here [in the sherwood forest] we're safe...to grow our hair out, and to look vaguely like elizabeth taylor."
-duncan: oh no no no.
-the whole morgan freeman character is making me quite uncomfortable. perhaps this is the film's purpose--to drive the discomforts of race relations out into the open. but somehow i don't think so.
-alan rickman: not sure if what he's doing quite qualifies as acting, but whatever it is it's entirely amazing.
-ACTION ARROW-MAKING! thank you, soundtrack, for turning an otherwise somewhat pointless montage into...um... never mind (said in an emily litella voice).
-rowan atkinson as mr. bean IS action scribe!!

i don't remember, but i think it's edward said who is entirely correct about depictions of arabic people and culture in america. seriously, movie? seriously? i know it's the '90's but come on.

inkheart: or how we skipped all of it

Inkheart: movie starring brendan frasier and a man i love so won't put his name on here because i hated this movie (not that i don't love brendan frasier, but he can take it)


oh my god. i didn't watch most of this. just enough to know that i would rather...hmm. name a thing that can be done, and ten to one i'd rather do it than watch this movie.

the kid was cute. she looked kind of like sarah chalke. that's a good thing. and at least helen mirren character's reaction to the burning of her first editions was quite believable. i kind of turned my back on the movie at that moment. there are some things that a human shouldn't be forced to watch, even if they're not real.

paul bettany, eat something!

it was awful. the end.

zombie strippers!, or, how the apocalypse gets naked

Zombie Strippers!: film starring jenna jameson, and several live dead nude others

the whole time i watched it, i was thinking, "so writing this script--that's what philosophy majors do with their masters' degrees."

dude. this movie was so much more than you'd expect, and from a movie called zombie strippers, you'd expect kind of a lot, if you're a certain type of person.

for one thing, the production values weren't distractingly bad.

but there's even more. the plot is funny and the lines are funny. the anti-george w. stuff is funny. i mean, i for one am glad to know that some part of the pornography industry hangs to the left (does that count as a double entendre? lamely, maybe?). the idea of turning the strippers' self-esteem issues into a conversation about various major philosophical viewpoints is really funny. jameson really freaking delivers the line about nietzsche making so much more sense after death.

i guess it might be possible to take offense at the idea that the set-up of strippers being philosophical is supposed to be funny...maybe? maybe that's offensive? but i feel like the movie sells the whole idea as more honest than that. it's like the super-hot lady soldier character who specializes in badassery--she's maybe a kind of unapologetically exploitative character, but she's also unapologetically rad. i mean, all the characterizations are unapologetically exploitative, and unapologetically rad, from paco to lilith. that girl who quotes rousseau's is the only characterization that kind of falters, i think, but at least the script and filmmakers are trying for something.

which, in an age in which the imaginarium of doctor parnassus counts as a film with ideas, in the words of captain malcolm reynolds, ain't nothin'.

sunday school musical: i watched sunday school musical

Sunday School Musical: dvd release starring some very talented teens

i have one thing to say about the experience of watching this: its musical aesthetic was SO MUCH BETTER than that of camp rock.

now there are several directions that a person can take that comment. first one that springs to mind: "she watched sunday school musical." we did rent it to make fun, to some extent, and i'll acknowledge that. it's not nice to make fun, and i'd never disrespect someone else's beliefs, but i would disrespect their moviemaking, and i kind of did by renting this movie in a spirit of "holy WHAT THE FRAK?"

2: "she watched camp rock." well, in my defense, councillor, it was there. like you never watched...something with a jonas brother in it...on purpose. plus demi lovato was quite adorable. and some of her friends were quite...um, never mind. some of her friends were quite dressed like jem. that's safe.

3. "she seems to be claiming that camp rock has a musical aesthetic."

yeah. that one i can't really argue.

4. "she is contrasting the proposed aesthetic of camp rock with that of sunday school musical." okay, but the sunday school musical music was good. or at least it wasn't terrifying. it wasn't wildly overproduced (though it wasn't, you know, underproduced), and if the aesthetic to the music was a little, like, basic for me*, i did think it was solid--good--genuine. there was something to it. which is really an excellent lesson, because it shows me another facet of the fact that a genuine aesthetic can override the sum of its parts--that is, it can overwhelm itself. i wasn't expecting to really approve of anything about sunday school musical, which is why i begged to rent it (again, i admit to being a jerk--not about christianity, but about the teen movies that it may perpetuate). but the performances and the songs were really good. i don't know.

5. "better? seriously? you're choosing?"

HECKETY HECK HECK YES, COUNCILLOR!


*you have to realize that this critique of the musical aesthetic is being written by someone who's been listening to nothing but ann peebles' album i can't stand the rain and the brahms piano quintet for the last two weeks or so. i like my musical aesthetic extremely complex--though maybe complex isn't the word, in regard to the brahms. multifaceted. overwhelming. breathless. inconclusive in meaning, though extremely conclusive in effect. you know? the sunday school musical music's aesthetic wasn't that. but it held together. which is just...cool. i mean, the gospel that i like to listen to (not that i know anything about gospel) is stuff like that mighty clouds of joy song "pray for me," in comparison to which the sunday school musical music is pretty unison, simply rhythmic, unilateral. but still good. yeah. notice i'm being cautious, but not apologizing.

gankutsuou: spelling???

Gankutsuou: the Count of Monte Cristo: anime series

so if you like dumas, and you like space, and you like to have your brain washed by subliminal messages hidden in cartoon clothing patterns, this series is definitely for you.

i really liked it, sort of. i do have possibly unjustifiable reservations. the reservations stem from the fact that, though much of my disposable income goes toward procuring manga, i don't know japanese culture, and i don't speak japanese at all, and so some stuff in it was a little incomprehensible to me, but probably not actually incomprehensible at all. from an outsider's perspective, i didn't always quite get the point of what was going on. but this is all from an outsider's perspective, so just preface every sentence to come with "to my undereducated american eye."

things i liked: there were a lot of really good moments, heart-wrenching stuff and dramatic stuff. a comparison to buffy was even in order when things got darkest--and that is the holy grail of t.v. praise coming from me. i also really liked eugenie. and i think that the turning of dumas's french politics into gankutsuou's imaginary space french politics was pretty damn well done--detailed and nuanced and interesting. also, great titles music.

things i didn't like: it got a little self-involved at times--i think. more interested in showing cool pictures than making a plot happen. again, i think. this is the part where, you know, any knowledge of japanese culture at all would come in handy for me. like it's possible that the parts i thought were kind of self-indulgent might have been metaphors that i didn't understand, etc.

things that i don't know if i thought they were good but i did think they were AWESOME: hmm. giant robot duels--as crow t. robot might say, giant robot duels are the kind of padding i like to see in a film! no matter that it's a space retelling of a classic french novel. throw in giant robots. just throw them in. please. NOW. and all the homosexuality: thank you. thank you for...oh, god, there is no such thing as too much depiction of that relationship between the young men and their older male--what was the term sailor moon used in a similar situation? role models, that's it. role models. also the animation style, with the graphemes that stood still as the clothing they filled in moved: i don't think i was the person who was being subliminally messaged by that clothing, but if i was, i'm sorry for taking down whatever communist government i took down while i thought i was sleeping.

in short, it was a really good retelling of the french novel the count of monte cristo...in japanese...in space...with aliens and giant robots and a vengeful space-mask-spirit instead of a rebellious but holy friar and a vampiric zombie edmond dantes.

Iron Man 2: return of the confusing yet delightful plot sequence

Iron Man 2: movie starring robert downey jr., gwyneth paltrow, and plenty of others, some of whom look amazing in catsuits but i'm not naming any names but oh my god

i've heard that certain message boards on the internet are (or were) at war on the subject of iron man 2: hot or not? my personal opinion: pretty hot.

scarlett johansson was in a catsuit some of the time.

that's neither here nor there. and it's not like i disagree with those who assert that the plot is a big mess. and i like terrence howard better than don cheadle (in the part of rhodey, at least). but, okay, some movies are about big life stuff, seminal events in their characters' histories, and other movies are about watching robert downey jr. act a part that he does really really well. iron man 2, to me, is about one stressful-butt week in the life of tony stark--the threads don't come together, and they could have to make a better movie, but...

at the risk of repeating myself, scarlett johansson was in a catsuit some of the time.

that's neither here nor there. at the risk of repeating myself, sometimes LIFE doesn't come together into neat interconnecting strands until years after the stressful week in question. i realize that these characters aren't real, but the way that iron man 2 imitates life isn't invalid, to my understanding. now, this particular imitation of life might not have been what we in the criticism biz call "on purpose" on the film's creators' part*. iron man 2 threw a lot of material at the viewing audience, and didn't necessarily tell us how to process it.

but, yeah, i liked it. i'd be being a douchebag if i said i didn't like it, if i tried to make myself not like it because i thought it didn't come up to my personal standards of plotmaking qualityness. and the liking of it didn't leave a bad aftertaste in my mouth as my liking kick ass did.

also robert downey jr. is so awesome. all the principals are awesome. i didn't like don cheadle like i liked terrence howard, but he did do a good job.

and scarlett johansson may or may not be in a catsuit for some of the time. i mean, she doesn't look bad in it, you know. whatever, really. oh god.


*yeah, i'm not in the criticism biz and i have no idea what things are called.